#4: I know someone who tried....

We have all heard the stories about so-and-so who tried this-and-that, and BELIEVE me, when an infertile gets to the point of calling the doctor they have tried everything that is published on the web about getting pregnant.

They tried:

Getting drunk.

 

Going on vacation.

 

The pregnancy diet.

 

The timing method.

 

The ovulation kits.

 

The pillow under the butt (and maybe even a handstand or two).

 

ALL positions that anyone else tried and achieved success.

 

Laying down for hours after the "process".

 

Laying with their feet propped on their head board in order for gravity to help.

 

Reading the books about how to get pregnant. And about how to NOT get pregnant.

 

Drinking the tea that their great aunt Florence said, "always worked for them".

 

Performing the act every-single-day of the month. (Or every other day.)

An infertile will probably smile politely and thank you for your advice. They may also snap back, "Tried it. It didn't work."  (One of us, the one without much tact might even snap back, "yes, and it obviously worked because I am currently 17 months pregnant with triplets!")

#3: The Lord has a plan for you.

Yes. Thank you. And now we are concluded with this conversation.

Romans 8:28.

#2: Are you charting?

 

One of us heard this from a good friend after the "infertile" bomb was finally dropped.

The one of us that heard this tried, without success, to stifle the fall-out-of-your-chair laughing fit.

 

What was not said: "NOoooOOOO!!! Well damn! I have been at this for more than a year now, and not ONCE, not even at the doctors office did this thought surface!"  Of course, dripping with sarcasm.

What was said, "Um, yeah...starting on day 1. That is one of the few things that I remembered from high school health class!"

The friend did apologize and said, "Why would I say that? Of course you tried that! Sorry."

#1: "It will be okay. It will work out."

When an infertile has decided to confide their woes to you please know that you are special, and considered a very close friend to the infertile. They did not simply drop this knowledge on you; they chose the moment very carefully and the words were chosen with as much care.

But, thank you for trying to comfort us with these words.

What we are not saying is, "How do you know? How do you know it is going to work out or be okay? How can you tell me that you think it is going to be okay when you do not know anything about what I am going through?"

It may not be okay, and when we hear these words from people, we just feel that much more alone, and humiliated. And we know that you are not ready to listen to us, or to talk to us about what we are going through. You might as well have said, "Well just smile, and the world be will happy and all the problems of the world will be resolved."

What you can say is, "That sounds really difficult. What can I do to help you right now?" Or, "Wow. That sounds tough. I need a few moments to process that information. Thank you for telling me what you are going through."

Why we created this blog

We are two infertile women, who have been friends for 25 years. We are both in our early thirties, and are desperately trying, with our respective husbands, to start families.

We are both at different stages of the process, but we compare notes with each other about our journeys.

We usually talk on the phone, weekly, if not daily, to compare the "newest thing" or the latest comments we have heard from people.

We decided that to help us recover and heal in our respective processes that we would start a blog about the comments we have heard from the fertile world. The ones that make us laugh, and the ones that sting or make us cry.

We realize that the comments are well intended, and from people who love us dearly, but they are less than helpful to us, and infertile women like us. 

Thank you for stopping by our blog, and please, feel free to add to the conversation. We know that we are not the only women hearing these comments, and would love to increase our readership as well as what is and is not helpful to say to women, or men, who are on the journey of infertility.

By the way, neither of us are doctors, nor are our husbands. This is not a medical blog, just mere words in hopes to heal ourselves, and the other couples out there, as well as to help the fertile world in how they speak with those of us that are not yet fertile.