#14 Are you going to adopt?

This is a tricky question, with many difficult answers.

For some couples, yes, adoption is the next step, and the answer to their desire for children. For some couples, who may not have even considered that they will never conceive their own child, this is a loaded question. And for some couples, adoption is not even something they have discussed, or want.

Adoption is expensive. Adoption is sometimes the end of the road for fertility treatments. It takes time; there are hundreds of papers to be signed, filed, and examined. And did we mention the money yet?

Adoption is a great option, and certainly one that many couples discuss, or actually do.  Adoption is not for everyone.

And do you really want to be the person that suggests this option to an infertile? To some couples this is the exit strategy, and do you really want to be the person that tells them to get off the baby highway? It sends a very clear message to an infertile person when someone asks this; you just said, "I am tired of listening to you. Getting a baby from somewhere will just shut you up."

Instead try "that sounds tough. Do you want to talk about?"

Or, if you really are tired of listening, say "This is a really heavy conversation, and I need some time to think about what to say so that I don't offend you. Is that okay?"

(Most infertiles will say, "yes" and be glad that you don't want to be offensive. And look, the conversation changed!)

And P.S. Adoption is expensive! (And did we mention that people come over and inspect your house, every nook and cranny to ensure that a child will be safe at the house? Did you have to do that to have a natural born child?)

#8 You are lucky that you can afford....

To buy that!

To go on that cruise!

To take that trip.

"If you had kids, you wouldn't be able to buy that!"


Yeah, you might be right. But since we don't, we are going to buy whatever makes us happy, helps us feel better or aides in forgetting that we don't have kids.

So while you are off spending your money on diapers, and wipes, and yet another onesie we will spend our money how we chose, just like you have. We won't point out to you that if you had decided to not have kids that you would be able to spend your money like us, but we aren't that crass.

#6 The Will

Anne's mom recently announced that she was going to be writing her will. Mamma announced that she very carefully thought through how she would be dividing her assets upon her death, and had come up with a fair plan for the division.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne's sister.

One quarter of the money would go to charities.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne's niece and nephew. They would each receive half of this quarter. This money would be used for the purpose of higher education.

"But Anne, if you end up not being able to have kids, and decide to adopt, (not even kidding a little bit here) and I deem them intelligent enough then the money I have designated for charities will be set aside for them. But you have to do a good job in selecting in your child, or the money will still go to charity."

WELL THANKS!!!!

Anne was quite shocked with the split, not because she wanted more money, but because her mom who knows of the infertile struggle Anne is experiencing, would so blatantly hurt Anne by pointing out that she does not (STILL!) have kids, and that any adopted kids would have to go through more hurdles than the blood grand kids in order to receive the money. It also told Anne that her own mother would NEVER consider any adopted kids worthy of the love and care that the blood grand kids automatically receive.

Anne asked if the money could please just be split 50/50 between her and her sister, but Mamma was relentless in her decision.

And yes, Anne realizes it is her mamma's decision, and her mamma's money, what she does not understand is the blatant pain her own mama is causing. Anne tried for an hour and a half to offer alternatives, but in the end lost the battle. And many pints of tears.