#11 What have you tried?

Unless you are the doctor involved in the situation, then please imagine this situation:

There is a water drainage problem on your property.  You research how to fix the problem, and go to work.  You think you have the solution, but alas, the next rain storm there is a problem. So you try something else, same result. And so forth until you are frustrated with the drainage problem.
 

 

The next party you attend you casually drop the drainage problem into the conversation. Everyone starts to give you suggestions about what to do. You find yourself nodding along, and saying "tried that" and "that too" followed by "that didn't work either".  You get frustrated with the people with whom you are speaking, and eventually change the subject.

Now, same situation.  Except you are now discussing your sex life and all the parts of your body that are covered by a bathing suit. That is why infertiles hate this question! 

Thank you for asking about my sex life. Not weird at all.

#10 Have you been tested?

This is Anne's favorite question.  Her own Mamma routinely asks her this question, followed by "to see who needs a little help?"

First of all, tested for what? IQ? Blood type? The flu?  Oh, for fertility!

Yes, please ask me about this. It is absolutely your business, and not at all a violation of boundaries.

Getting tested is a very personal decision, and some couples decide not to be tested. If a couple goes forward with testing, they may find a medical intervention to assist with fertility, or they may find, as in Marie's case, that nothing is wrong, which only compounds the frustration around fertility.

If an infertile volunteers the information, and needs to discuss the testing, then you can chose to listen, or if it makes you uncomfortable, you can say that you do not want to discuss it.  It is personal for anyone involved in the discussion.

Also, just for everyone to know, there is no such thing as "a little help". Outside of losing weight, and eating healthy, there is no "little" help. There are tests, and drugs and procedures, but none of those are little things. And P.S., they are pricey!

#9 What did the doctor say?

Which one? My OB? My GP? My dentist? My specialist? Or my therapist? Perhaps you meant my orthopedist? My podiatrist?

I see a lot of doctors, which one did you want to discuss?

What happens at my doctors' appointments is difficult and painful. And while it is normally difficult to see the OB, it is even more difficult to hear that things don't look good, or that they need to run more tests. It's embarrassing; it means a total lack of modesty, and since everyone else seems to get to see my business, I don't want to talk about it, again, with anyone who is NOT qualified to talk about my business.

What you shouldn't say: "What did the doctor say?"

What you should say: "Do you want to talk about it?" or "Shall we shop?"