#9 What did the doctor say?

Which one? My OB? My GP? My dentist? My specialist? Or my therapist? Perhaps you meant my orthopedist? My podiatrist?

I see a lot of doctors, which one did you want to discuss?

What happens at my doctors' appointments is difficult and painful. And while it is normally difficult to see the OB, it is even more difficult to hear that things don't look good, or that they need to run more tests. It's embarrassing; it means a total lack of modesty, and since everyone else seems to get to see my business, I don't want to talk about it, again, with anyone who is NOT qualified to talk about my business.

What you shouldn't say: "What did the doctor say?"

What you should say: "Do you want to talk about it?" or "Shall we shop?"
 

What is Infertility?

Infertility is the inability to get pregnant after one year of trying (six months of trying if 35 or over).

According to this site, pregnancy is the result of a process that has many steps.  To get pregnant:

• A woman's body must release an egg from one of her ovaries (ovulation).
• The egg must go through a fallopian tube toward the uterus.
• A man's sperm must join with (fertilize) the egg along the way.
• The fertilized egg must attach to the inside of the uterus (implantation).

Infertility occurs if there are issues with any of these steps.  A woman who can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant is also considered infertile.

1 in 8 couples experience some form of infertility, so it's likely you have several friends struggling with this who just aren't talking about it.

#8 You are lucky that you can afford....

To buy that!

To go on that cruise!

To take that trip.

"If you had kids, you wouldn't be able to buy that!"


Yeah, you might be right. But since we don't, we are going to buy whatever makes us happy, helps us feel better or aides in forgetting that we don't have kids.

So while you are off spending your money on diapers, and wipes, and yet another onesie we will spend our money how we chose, just like you have. We won't point out to you that if you had decided to not have kids that you would be able to spend your money like us, but we aren't that crass.

#7 At least you can sleep in!

Yes, we can sleep in. And all those extra hours of sleep absolutely make up for the hours of crying over failed IVF treatments, miscarriages, cramps, people being mean or rude about the lack of children, the empty arms, the non-existent cradle, the trips to the store for more fertility kits and the many hours of sleep lost over NOT having a baby.

Yes, those two extra hours on Saturday morning really help. Thank you for pointing this out.

#6 The Will

Anne's mom recently announced that she was going to be writing her will. Mamma announced that she very carefully thought through how she would be dividing her assets upon her death, and had come up with a fair plan for the division.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne's sister.

One quarter of the money would go to charities.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne's niece and nephew. They would each receive half of this quarter. This money would be used for the purpose of higher education.

"But Anne, if you end up not being able to have kids, and decide to adopt, (not even kidding a little bit here) and I deem them intelligent enough then the money I have designated for charities will be set aside for them. But you have to do a good job in selecting in your child, or the money will still go to charity."

WELL THANKS!!!!

Anne was quite shocked with the split, not because she wanted more money, but because her mom who knows of the infertile struggle Anne is experiencing, would so blatantly hurt Anne by pointing out that she does not (STILL!) have kids, and that any adopted kids would have to go through more hurdles than the blood grand kids in order to receive the money. It also told Anne that her own mother would NEVER consider any adopted kids worthy of the love and care that the blood grand kids automatically receive.

Anne asked if the money could please just be split 50/50 between her and her sister, but Mamma was relentless in her decision.

And yes, Anne realizes it is her mamma's decision, and her mamma's money, what she does not understand is the blatant pain her own mama is causing. Anne tried for an hour and a half to offer alternatives, but in the end lost the battle. And many pints of tears.

#5 We are pregnant! And on the first try!

"Congratulations!" We are, well we think we are, happy for you!

The infertile is probably happy for you that you are pregnant. And perhaps a little jealous.

Depending on the day, and the infertile person hearing your news, the reaction to your news will vary. Some infertile women will disappear out of your life forever, and some will be overly involved in your pregnancy.

If you have announced your news, and rightly so!, to an infertile friend, who has shared their tough experience with you, then you can be sure of an interesting journey through your own pregnancy.

Be mindful that there will be days that you will want to share your stories, and your news, (and you should!!!), that your infertile friend will cry. There will be days when your friend interrupts you and has to leave, or get off the phone, quickly, and what you can do on those days is let your friend go, and then the next time you are about to share, ask if today or the moment is right for sharing your news.

There are plenty of people who will not cry over hearing your news and stories, and some days and moments your infertile friend will be that person for you, but be prepared that there will be days when your news is going to drive your infertile friend into the deepest depression, and they just can't, and don't want, to hear your stories and news.

Be patient.

We are trying our best to hold ourselves together, but there are moments when it is just too much to handle.

One of us, Anne, even got up in the middle of  a staff meeting, recently, and moved across the room, in order to escape the hoard of pregnant women who sat at her table. In the initial moments of the meeting Anne was doing fine, but then, it hit, and she had to move. Everyone stared at her, but she didn't care, she just COULD NOT sit with those women a moment longer.

#4: I know someone who tried....

We have all heard the stories about so-and-so who tried this-and-that, and BELIEVE me, when an infertile gets to the point of calling the doctor they have tried everything that is published on the web about getting pregnant.

They tried:

Getting drunk.

 

Going on vacation.

 

The pregnancy diet.

 

The timing method.

 

The ovulation kits.

 

The pillow under the butt (and maybe even a handstand or two).

 

ALL positions that anyone else tried and achieved success.

 

Laying down for hours after the "process".

 

Laying with their feet propped on their head board in order for gravity to help.

 

Reading the books about how to get pregnant. And about how to NOT get pregnant.

 

Drinking the tea that their great aunt Florence said, "always worked for them".

 

Performing the act every-single-day of the month. (Or every other day.)

An infertile will probably smile politely and thank you for your advice. They may also snap back, "Tried it. It didn't work."  (One of us, the one without much tact might even snap back, "yes, and it obviously worked because I am currently 17 months pregnant with triplets!")