#16 Being pregnant sucks anyway.

Uh, did you just say that to me?

The thing I want more than anything in the world, and you just said it sucks?

I am done with this conversation, and possibly you. You don't understand me, at all.

#15 What are you crying about?

Everything.

I saw someone scream at their kid.

I saw a onesie.

I heard a baby cry.

I saw a car seat.

I am not sure why I am crying.

I have hormones.

It is the medication.

They ran out of my favorite tea at the store.

The price went up on ovulation kits.

Ovulation kits are on sale, and I thought I would buy 1, but then realized that I should probably buy more.

The store didn't have the book I needed, and apparently, it is no longer in print.

I am not pregnant.

I saw a teenage girl that is pregnant, and she was smoking!

My arms are empty. Very, very empty. Oh, and so is my oven!

Did I mention that I am not sure?

Or how about everything?

BUT, you can hug me, and that might help me feel better!

#14 Are you going to adopt?

This is a tricky question, with many difficult answers.

For some couples, yes, adoption is the next step, and the answer to their desire for children. For some couples, who may not have even considered that they will never conceive their own child, this is a loaded question. And for some couples, adoption is not even something they have discussed, or want.

Adoption is expensive. Adoption is sometimes the end of the road for fertility treatments. It takes time; there are hundreds of papers to be signed, filed, and examined. And did we mention the money yet?

Adoption is a great option, and certainly one that many couples discuss, or actually do.  Adoption is not for everyone.

And do you really want to be the person that suggests this option to an infertile? To some couples this is the exit strategy, and do you really want to be the person that tells them to get off the baby highway? It sends a very clear message to an infertile person when someone asks this; you just said, "I am tired of listening to you. Getting a baby from somewhere will just shut you up."

Instead try "that sounds tough. Do you want to talk about?"

Or, if you really are tired of listening, say "This is a really heavy conversation, and I need some time to think about what to say so that I don't offend you. Is that okay?"

(Most infertiles will say, "yes" and be glad that you don't want to be offensive. And look, the conversation changed!)

And P.S. Adoption is expensive! (And did we mention that people come over and inspect your house, every nook and cranny to ensure that a child will be safe at the house? Did you have to do that to have a natural born child?)

#13 Think of all the fun you get to have trying

Marie's mom accidentally said this to her and for the first time in her life Marie raised her voice with her mom.

FUN? You think THIS is FUN!!!! ARE YOU NUTS???

We are no longer spontaneous.  We both carry a calendar with us 24/7 and we have to think about the "store". The store has to be stocked on that "special day" or else there is no point going shopping.

We have to plan, plan, and plan again for sex. It is scheduled. It is sometimes scheduled at 2AM because the shot given at the doctor's office says that the swimmers should be in the pool at a very exact number of hours after the shot is administered.

Yes, infertile couples sometimes have to set an alarm to "go shopping". Super fun!

If you have not had to work at getting pregnant, and we thought we would never really have to work at it, then it is fun. For the first couple of months it is fun, but after awhile it gets frustrating, and the fun flits out the window. It doesn't mean it isn't good, it just means it is not always fun.

Please say "that sounds tough, do you want to talk about it?".

#12 You just need to relax.

Have you ever been upset about something and somebody tells you "you need to calm down" or "are you mad?"

That seething sensation that runs from your eyebrows to your socks is the same seething feeling an infertile feels when told to "relax".

Trying to get pregnant, for someone who does not really have to try, is relaxing. But for an infertile person, it is NOT relaxing AT ALL! It is frustrating and being told to relax is one of the least helpful things you can say.

What you can say is "that sounds tough. Do you want to talk about it?"

#11 What have you tried?

Unless you are the doctor involved in the situation, then please imagine this situation:

There is a water drainage problem on your property.  You research how to fix the problem, and go to work.  You think you have the solution, but alas, the next rain storm there is a problem. So you try something else, same result. And so forth until you are frustrated with the drainage problem.
 

 

The next party you attend you casually drop the drainage problem into the conversation. Everyone starts to give you suggestions about what to do. You find yourself nodding along, and saying "tried that" and "that too" followed by "that didn't work either".  You get frustrated with the people with whom you are speaking, and eventually change the subject.

Now, same situation.  Except you are now discussing your sex life and all the parts of your body that are covered by a bathing suit. That is why infertiles hate this question! 

Thank you for asking about my sex life. Not weird at all.

#10 Have you been tested?

This is Anne's favorite question.  Her own Mamma routinely asks her this question, followed by "to see who needs a little help?"

First of all, tested for what? IQ? Blood type? The flu?  Oh, for fertility!

Yes, please ask me about this. It is absolutely your business, and not at all a violation of boundaries.

Getting tested is a very personal decision, and some couples decide not to be tested. If a couple goes forward with testing, they may find a medical intervention to assist with fertility, or they may find, as in Marie's case, that nothing is wrong, which only compounds the frustration around fertility.

If an infertile volunteers the information, and needs to discuss the testing, then you can chose to listen, or if it makes you uncomfortable, you can say that you do not want to discuss it.  It is personal for anyone involved in the discussion.

Also, just for everyone to know, there is no such thing as "a little help". Outside of losing weight, and eating healthy, there is no "little" help. There are tests, and drugs and procedures, but none of those are little things. And P.S., they are pricey!