#16 Being pregnant sucks anyway.

Uh, did you just say that to me?

The thing I want more than anything in the world, and you just said it sucks?

I am done with this conversation, and possibly you. You don't understand me, at all.

#15 What are you crying about?

Everything.

I saw someone scream at their kid.

I saw a onesie.

I heard a baby cry.

I saw a car seat.

I am not sure why I am crying.

I have hormones.

It is the medication.

They ran out of my favorite tea at the store.

The price went up on ovulation kits.

Ovulation kits are on sale, and I thought I would buy 1, but then realized that I should probably buy more.

The store didn't have the book I needed, and apparently, it is no longer in print.

I am not pregnant.

I saw a teenage girl that is pregnant, and she was smoking!

My arms are empty. Very, very empty. Oh, and so is my oven!

Did I mention that I am not sure?

Or how about everything?

BUT, you can hug me, and that might help me feel better!

#14 Are you going to adopt?

This is a tricky question, with many difficult answers.

For some couples, yes, adoption is the next step, and the answer to their desire for children. For some couples, who may not have even considered that they will never conceive their own child, this is a loaded question. And for some couples, adoption is not even something they have discussed, or want.

Adoption is expensive. Adoption is sometimes the end of the road for fertility treatments. It takes time; there are hundreds of papers to be signed, filed, and examined. And did we mention the money yet?

Adoption is a great option, and certainly one that many couples discuss, or actually do.  Adoption is not for everyone.

And do you really want to be the person that suggests this option to an infertile? To some couples this is the exit strategy, and do you really want to be the person that tells them to get off the baby highway? It sends a very clear message to an infertile person when someone asks this; you just said, "I am tired of listening to you. Getting a baby from somewhere will just shut you up."

Instead try "that sounds tough. Do you want to talk about?"

Or, if you really are tired of listening, say "This is a really heavy conversation, and I need some time to think about what to say so that I don't offend you. Is that okay?"

(Most infertiles will say, "yes" and be glad that you don't want to be offensive. And look, the conversation changed!)

And P.S. Adoption is expensive! (And did we mention that people come over and inspect your house, every nook and cranny to ensure that a child will be safe at the house? Did you have to do that to have a natural born child?)

#13 Think of all the fun you get to have trying

Marie's mom accidentally said this to her and for the first time in her life Marie raised her voice with her mom.

FUN? You think THIS is FUN!!!! ARE YOU NUTS???

We are no longer spontaneous.  We both carry a calendar with us 24/7 and we have to think about the "store". The store has to be stocked on that "special day" or else there is no point going shopping.

We have to plan, plan, and plan again for sex. It is scheduled. It is sometimes scheduled at 2AM because the shot given at the doctor's office says that the swimmers should be in the pool at a very exact number of hours after the shot is administered.

Yes, infertile couples sometimes have to set an alarm to "go shopping". Super fun!

If you have not had to work at getting pregnant, and we thought we would never really have to work at it, then it is fun. For the first couple of months it is fun, but after awhile it gets frustrating, and the fun flits out the window. It doesn't mean it isn't good, it just means it is not always fun.

Please say "that sounds tough, do you want to talk about it?".

#12 You just need to relax.

Have you ever been upset about something and somebody tells you "you need to calm down" or "are you mad?"

That seething sensation that runs from your eyebrows to your socks is the same seething feeling an infertile feels when told to "relax".

Trying to get pregnant, for someone who does not really have to try, is relaxing. But for an infertile person, it is NOT relaxing AT ALL! It is frustrating and being told to relax is one of the least helpful things you can say.

What you can say is "that sounds tough. Do you want to talk about it?"

#11 What have you tried?

Unless you are the doctor involved in the situation, then please imagine this situation:

There is a water drainage problem on your property.  You research how to fix the problem, and go to work.  You think you have the solution, but alas, the next rain storm there is a problem. So you try something else, same result. And so forth until you are frustrated with the drainage problem.
 

 

The next party you attend you casually drop the drainage problem into the conversation. Everyone starts to give you suggestions about what to do. You find yourself nodding along, and saying "tried that" and "that too" followed by "that didn't work either".  You get frustrated with the people with whom you are speaking, and eventually change the subject.

Now, same situation.  Except you are now discussing your sex life and all the parts of your body that are covered by a bathing suit. That is why infertiles hate this question! 

Thank you for asking about my sex life. Not weird at all.

#10 Have you been tested?

This is Anne's favorite question.  Her own Mamma routinely asks her this question, followed by "to see who needs a little help?"

First of all, tested for what? IQ? Blood type? The flu?  Oh, for fertility!

Yes, please ask me about this. It is absolutely your business, and not at all a violation of boundaries.

Getting tested is a very personal decision, and some couples decide not to be tested. If a couple goes forward with testing, they may find a medical intervention to assist with fertility, or they may find, as in Marie's case, that nothing is wrong, which only compounds the frustration around fertility.

If an infertile volunteers the information, and needs to discuss the testing, then you can chose to listen, or if it makes you uncomfortable, you can say that you do not want to discuss it.  It is personal for anyone involved in the discussion.

Also, just for everyone to know, there is no such thing as "a little help". Outside of losing weight, and eating healthy, there is no "little" help. There are tests, and drugs and procedures, but none of those are little things. And P.S., they are pricey!

#9 What did the doctor say?

Which one? My OB? My GP? My dentist? My specialist? Or my therapist? Perhaps you meant my orthopedist? My podiatrist?

I see a lot of doctors, which one did you want to discuss?

What happens at my doctors' appointments is difficult and painful. And while it is normally difficult to see the OB, it is even more difficult to hear that things don't look good, or that they need to run more tests. It's embarrassing; it means a total lack of modesty, and since everyone else seems to get to see my business, I don't want to talk about it, again, with anyone who is NOT qualified to talk about my business.

What you shouldn't say: "What did the doctor say?"

What you should say: "Do you want to talk about it?" or "Shall we shop?"
 

What is Infertility?

Infertility is the inability to get pregnant after one year of trying (six months of trying if 35 or over).

According to this site, pregnancy is the result of a process that has many steps.  To get pregnant:

• A woman's body must release an egg from one of her ovaries (ovulation).
• The egg must go through a fallopian tube toward the uterus.
• A man's sperm must join with (fertilize) the egg along the way.
• The fertilized egg must attach to the inside of the uterus (implantation).

Infertility occurs if there are issues with any of these steps.  A woman who can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant is also considered infertile.

1 in 8 couples experience some form of infertility, so it's likely you have several friends struggling with this who just aren't talking about it.

#8 You are lucky that you can afford....

To buy that!

To go on that cruise!

To take that trip.

"If you had kids, you wouldn't be able to buy that!"


Yeah, you might be right. But since we don't, we are going to buy whatever makes us happy, helps us feel better or aides in forgetting that we don't have kids.

So while you are off spending your money on diapers, and wipes, and yet another onesie we will spend our money how we chose, just like you have. We won't point out to you that if you had decided to not have kids that you would be able to spend your money like us, but we aren't that crass.

#7 At least you can sleep in!

Yes, we can sleep in. And all those extra hours of sleep absolutely make up for the hours of crying over failed IVF treatments, miscarriages, cramps, people being mean or rude about the lack of children, the empty arms, the non-existent cradle, the trips to the store for more fertility kits and the many hours of sleep lost over NOT having a baby.

Yes, those two extra hours on Saturday morning really help. Thank you for pointing this out.

#6 The Will

Anne's mom recently announced that she was going to be writing her will. Mamma announced that she very carefully thought through how she would be dividing her assets upon her death, and had come up with a fair plan for the division.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne's sister.

One quarter of the money would go to charities.

One quarter of the money would go to Anne's niece and nephew. They would each receive half of this quarter. This money would be used for the purpose of higher education.

"But Anne, if you end up not being able to have kids, and decide to adopt, (not even kidding a little bit here) and I deem them intelligent enough then the money I have designated for charities will be set aside for them. But you have to do a good job in selecting in your child, or the money will still go to charity."

WELL THANKS!!!!

Anne was quite shocked with the split, not because she wanted more money, but because her mom who knows of the infertile struggle Anne is experiencing, would so blatantly hurt Anne by pointing out that she does not (STILL!) have kids, and that any adopted kids would have to go through more hurdles than the blood grand kids in order to receive the money. It also told Anne that her own mother would NEVER consider any adopted kids worthy of the love and care that the blood grand kids automatically receive.

Anne asked if the money could please just be split 50/50 between her and her sister, but Mamma was relentless in her decision.

And yes, Anne realizes it is her mamma's decision, and her mamma's money, what she does not understand is the blatant pain her own mama is causing. Anne tried for an hour and a half to offer alternatives, but in the end lost the battle. And many pints of tears.

#5 We are pregnant! And on the first try!

"Congratulations!" We are, well we think we are, happy for you!

The infertile is probably happy for you that you are pregnant. And perhaps a little jealous.

Depending on the day, and the infertile person hearing your news, the reaction to your news will vary. Some infertile women will disappear out of your life forever, and some will be overly involved in your pregnancy.

If you have announced your news, and rightly so!, to an infertile friend, who has shared their tough experience with you, then you can be sure of an interesting journey through your own pregnancy.

Be mindful that there will be days that you will want to share your stories, and your news, (and you should!!!), that your infertile friend will cry. There will be days when your friend interrupts you and has to leave, or get off the phone, quickly, and what you can do on those days is let your friend go, and then the next time you are about to share, ask if today or the moment is right for sharing your news.

There are plenty of people who will not cry over hearing your news and stories, and some days and moments your infertile friend will be that person for you, but be prepared that there will be days when your news is going to drive your infertile friend into the deepest depression, and they just can't, and don't want, to hear your stories and news.

Be patient.

We are trying our best to hold ourselves together, but there are moments when it is just too much to handle.

One of us, Anne, even got up in the middle of  a staff meeting, recently, and moved across the room, in order to escape the hoard of pregnant women who sat at her table. In the initial moments of the meeting Anne was doing fine, but then, it hit, and she had to move. Everyone stared at her, but she didn't care, she just COULD NOT sit with those women a moment longer.